How To Catch The Girl
by haze1982
Summary: During the summer holiday before fifth year, James comes across a pamphlet riddled with advice on how to catch the woman of his dreams. After years of failing miserably, he decides to take the book to heart. He is determined to follow the directions and apply himself to successfully woo Lily.


_**How To Catch The Girl**_

_**Summary: During the summer holiday before fifth year, James comes across a pamphlet riddled with advice on how to catch the woman of his dreams. After years of failing miserably, he decides to take the book to heart. He is determined to follow the directions and apply himself to successfully woo Lily. **_

_**Warnings: None so far. **_

_**Disclaimer: New story, same old thing here. I don't own the Harry Potter characters. **_

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James curled up on his bed and chewed his lower lip as he read the pamphlet he came across over the summer. The year would be different. He was starting his fifth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and he vowed that this year, he would get the girl. He smirked to himself as he turned the page and thanked Merlin that he stumbled across the book in Muggle London. He was of pureblood ancestry but there were things of the Muggle world he enjoyed and some things that they had a bit more information about. Being that he was the only child and his parents basically let him have whatever he wished, it was no problem getting his father to take him just before school started again. He ran his fingers through his hair and kept his eyes trained on the words before him.

_Dating, Seduction, and Making her want YOU!_

_Author: William C. Jones, Ph.D_

_A simple break down of this short pamphlet will help you win, woo, and ensnare the lady you wish to fall in love with you. If you read the entire booklet, you will undoubtedly have her in the palm of your hand. Have you tried to attain that one special girl only to fail? Then, follow these simple instructions, my friend, and you will have no trouble! _

_**Step 1.)**__ It is thought that the female gender of the human species is a mystery. No one knows what they want! Through my very extensive study of five years, I will bring this mystery to a close. Women love a man of mystery. They want to feel they can tap into their potential boyfriend to bring out the most in him. Make her interested but don't tell her too much either. A better way to explain is to break this into subgroups of what women don't like. _

_Here is a list of things women find unattractive in their mate:_

_1.) Shyness_

_2.) Insecurity_

_3.) Needy males_

_4.) Quietness _

_A girl loathes having the man stare at her with nothing to say. She wants her man to be able to talk, quite boisterously and knowledgeably, in order to hold her attention. You can do this! Think of something that YOU know a lot about and talk about it. If her eyes start to glaze over, that's perfectly fine. Her eyes are merely shining in admiration for you. If she pretends not to enjoy the subject, remember that key word: __**she's pretending**__. She's playing hard to get and you're on the right track, my friend!_

_**Step 2)**__ Make sure that you're clean! If you must, you should use pleasant smelling fragrances. Don't worry, she won't think you're vain. She'll think that you are well kept! Mostly, women like musky and woodsy scents. Also, make sure that you bathe and keep yourself incredibly well groomed. Women can smell fear and weakness, therefore, you are accomplishing two things here. They may insist that they can't but don't let them fool you! _

_**Step 3)**__ If you aren't already a leader, make sure that you are one. Women absolutely love a man who is the leader, dominant, and is self assured. Women worship men that make the first move (for example: a kiss) and if her potential suitor shows inexperience, she will be turned off. _

_**Step 4)**__ Do not act as though you are overly interested in pleasing her. Seeking constant approval from the girl you wish to woo is catastrophic in the least. At the most, she will most assuredly tell her friends and your reputation will be ruined. In fact, now would be a perfect time to mention this. Whatever a male suitor does, he should realize that the female will inform her friends. It's part of their DNA. I'm a scientist. I know these things. _

_**Step 5) **__You should be sociable. If you're invited to a party, make sure you go to that party. Invite your friends and her. If there is no parties available, make one! Make it obvious that the world sees you as a fun and enticing bloke. _

_These are certainly not all of the steps of making the girl of your dreams fall in love with you. In this ten chapter book, I will teach you how to do such these things. It is not a hard deed to accomplish and, with my help, you will be successful. _

_If you would like additional assistance, I would take this time to recommend a popular television character. Find the "Looney Tunes" and seek out the character PePe LePew. He portrays a prime example of a male seeking to woo his female who is playing hard to get. Also, women do adore foreign accents if you have one. If you are familiar with Superman, accents are to women what kryptonite is to Clark Kent. Now, onto chapter two!_

James' peeled his eyes away from the book when Remus plopped down beside him. He shoved the book to the side and smiled at his mate.

"Doing some homework?" Lupin asked.

"Ah. Just catching up on some light reading."

"What about?"

James felt a mischievous twinkle in his eyes and grinned, "Nothing."

"Right. Come on, now. What are you reading?"

"Oi!"

"Hey, what's going on?" Sirius looked over at his two best friends.

"Absolutely nothing!" James said and stood up, holding the pamphlet high above his head.

"I definitely believe you," Sirius said and strode across the room. "Get him!"

Remus lunged forward and barely missed grasping the book. Sirius caught James on the other side and peeled it from James' fingers. "Now, now. Let me see." James groaned at Sirius who was reading the title of the book aloud. "Dating, Seduction, and making her want YOU! Such an exciting title."

"It's actually very informative. Now give it back!"

"Let me see it, Padfoot," Remus said and held his hand out. Sirius tossed the book to him and stared at James, "Jamie. You're not really going to take that ton of crap at face value are you?"

"I will get Lily this year. I just thought I'd get a bit of extra help."

Remus read the first chapter quickly and shook his head, laughing. The tawny haired boy widened his eyes, "You can't be serious. Listen to this: _Make sure you make all the decisions for her. Let her know that you are in control. Flaunt your greater qualities and she will be a puddle at your feet._ James, mate. You really shouldn't try this. And what is this about PePe LePew? Have you ever seen that?"

"I have not but I'm sure it is quite educational. I will get my parents to send me copies of it or find it."

Remus put his hand over his face and shook his head, "It's hardly educational. It's a cartoon. I grew up in a Muggle household, James. Trust me on this."

"Some educational programs are cartoons, Remus. I like Dr. Jones' advice and I'm going to take it."

"The guy is off his rocker." Remus looked at Sirius imploringly for some help.

"James, I've had a few girlfriends and, to be frank, I'm not sure you want to take his advice," Sirius offered to his exceptionally stubborn mate.

"Oh, come on. The guy's a doctor or something and he's been studying women for over five years."

"And you've been constantly turned down for five years. Who is this William C. Jones? He seems to have his head up his-" Sirius started to make his point but was broke off.

"He's very intelligent. He says the girls hate the kind of boy that's quiet, shy, and the studious type...remind you of anyone, Remus?"

Remus clicked his tongue and smirked, "If zat is ze way you want it, zen zat is ze way you shall have it, mon Cherie." Remus waggled his eyebrows and winked at Sirius.

"What?' James said frustrated at the lack of help from his friends.

Sirius grabbed the book from him and started reading, "Oh, I don't know. James might be on to something. What woman wouldn't want someone going around smelling like a forest and going on and on about himself?"

Remus chuckled and leaned back on his bed, "Do what you want but that book is a bunch of malarkey."

"What fifteen year old says "malarkey"?" James snatched the book and sulked off to his bed. He mumbled under his breath about how helpful his 'mates' were and pulled the curtains around his bed.

"She's going to kill him if he tries any of that, you know?" Remus commented to Sirius.

"Yep."

"It's going to be a very interesting year."

"Oh, yeah."

TBC~

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A/N: According to the polls, one of the character that you guys wanted me to branch into was James. So, here is the first chapter of me stepping out of my comfort zone in regards to him and Lily. Any suggestions and/or comments about this is really appreciated because I normally write predominately Lupin based stories. He's still going to make appearances here but it will revolve around James and Lily mostly.

Hope you like the idea and if you have any thoughts, I would love to hear them. Thanks so much !


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